RELATIONSHIP BUILDING DISCUSSION

I am bothered by…______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am grateful for… ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am sorry that I…______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I hope we will work on…______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

*The more thoughtful and transparent each person is regarding each question the more impactful this will be. It will hopefully provide cathartic release of tension/resentment, address any false assumptions/misunderstandings, increase empathy and respect, and strengthen the committment to develop the relationship. It could take several conversations to fully communicate one’s thoughts/feelings and acheive mutual understanding.

* It is important to speak with a calm tone and to avoid inflammatory language, and to listen in a non-defensive, curious, and compassionate manner. This conversation can occur as often as it is needed.

RELATIONSHIP BUILDING REPORT CARD

Give yourself a standard letter grade [A-F] next to each item:

_______ I was mindful of the way I communicated; I considered my partner’s perspective and communication style/needs

_______ I listened effectively without engaging in blocking activity such as mind reading, selective attention, sparring, etc.

_______ I made an effort to tell my partner something positive (e.g., compliment them or express pleasure)

_______ I engaged in an enjoyable activity with my partner (e.g., visit a new place, see a movie, dinner out, sex, mutual hobby, etc) 

_______ I did not violate any of the “Fair Fighting” rules when discussing things with my partner (e.g., focused on the immediate issue, did not yell or make threats, spoke honestly and assertively, took a timeout when needed, looked for a win-win scenario)   

*You can grade yourself and your partner and compare the scores on both to discuss differences in perception that might be conttributing to relationship issues

*This can be used as a one-time assessment or completed regularly to facilitate productive conversations and maintain accountability           

Stress Management Guide

Directly address the stressor/Fix the problem

  • Make necessary job changes to reduce work stress or address financial stress

  • Work on marital/dating relationship to reduce couple stress

  • Set boundaries with negative people, end a toxic relationship

  • Pursue parenting classes/family therapy to reduce parenting stress

  • Address trauma/grief directly (e.g., exposure therapy)

  • Improve communication skills

  • Engage in rehab/therapy for injuries/physical health issues

  • Be mindful of media (news, FB, Instagram, etc.) effects and reduce use if needed

  • Other:

    Fully utilize current coping strategies or learn new ones

  • Relax using deep breathing/meditation/yoga/stretching/music/massage/reading

  • Use grounding techniques like aromatherapy/coloring/visualization/counting

  • Exercise, engage in physical activity

  • Talk to supportive people

  • Complete a journal

  • Practice balanced/healthy thinking

  • Improve sleep hygiene to increase rest time

  • Eat well, develop a more wholesome/nourishing diet

  • Take recommended medications/supplements

  • Clean/organize your spaces

  • Other:

     

    Create balance by engaging in activities that promote pleasure, pride,

    and a sense of purpose

  • Plan enjoyable activities

  • Spend time in quiet, peaceful places

  • Invest in hobbies, build mastery

  • Improve personal hygiene, dress to impress, try a new look/style

  • Invest in friendships, socialization

  • Engage in spirituality/religion/sources of inspiration-hope-meaning

  • Seek out/spend time with people who encourage you

  • Explore new places, try new things

  • Other:

Tips for Managing Procrastination/Getting Stuck

Mentally focus on one part of the task (try to find the easiest); do not keep thinking about the big picture and the time and effort it takes to do all of it (e.g., when you see a sink full of things that need to be washed you are likely to keep avoiding it because the task seems too large, so just start with the forks, cups, or plates)

Commit to working for 5 minutes (use a timer if you want) and hope that you continue past that time

Use a calendar/to-do list to break-down big assignments/projects into smaller tasks

Combine music, food, or other enjoyable things with the task so that it is easier to get going (you may have to remove these things later if they create a distraction, but at least you are now engaged)

Don’t sit in a fog too long; if you feel stuck, go do something else then quickly get back to the task (like restarting the computer)

Tips for Managing a Depressed Mood/Feeling Down

Make sure you do something fun/enjoyable every day (even if it is briefly)

Focus on your strengths instead of your weaknesses 

Make positive self-statements (“you can do this,” “you are smart,” “everything will be very good in the end”)

Remember the statement by Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. In other words, YOU get to decide if you are funny, smart, likable, etc and you don’t have to care too much about the opinions of your peers or strangers. If it seems like someone is making fun of you, you have the power to just ignore them and say “who cares”…that is the best way to rise above them and feel a sense of power

Remember no-one is perfect and that’s OK

Use a thought record (Google it or see instructions in my book) to challenge persistent thoughts that cause trouble (e.g., “I am worthless,” “Nobody really likes me,” “I am a failure”)

Tips for Managing Anxiety

You can calm your mind by reducing tension in your body and relax your body by changing your thoughts (mind-body connection)

Practice breathing deeply (slowly breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, holding the inhale and exhale for as long as it is comfortable) for 5 mins throughout the day so that you can experience less tension and use it effectively to cope during times of intense anxiety

Practice muscle relaxation, which can be traditional stretching or a sequence of tightening then releasing each muscle group to enjoy a reduction in tension

Challenge any thoughts that might be an exaggeration about the likelihood or severity of an event (e.g., if you stutter during a class presentation it is unlikely that everyone will think you are a complete idiot, especially since everyone is likely focused on their own anxiety)

Find ways to distract yourself when you can’t get negative thoughts out of your head

Write down concerns/worries on paper (can be a calendar or to-do list) so that your brain knows you don’t have to keep regurgitating it

Use a thought record (Google it or see instructions in my book) to challenge persistent thoughts that cause trouble (e.g., “Everyone is watching me,” “I always mess up,” “I’m going to fail,” “This [insert task] is too difficult for me”)

Effective Parenting Strategies

Some important rules to follow when interacting with your children...

  • Communicate clearly, make sure they understand you
  • Avoid yelling/screaming
  • Do not repeat yourself more than one time
  • Provide plenty of praise for good behavior
  • Reward good behavior immediately
  • Do not make too many requests at once
  • Do not try to correct every behavior, address only the most important
  • Be consistent (between caregivers and within yourself)
  • Follow through with giving consequences (no empty threats)
  • Give feedback on behavior during planning conversation times (when no one is stressed)
  • Be flexible to a degree (don’t change rules, but bend them when appropriate and provide a rationale)
  • Do not say mean, hurtful things
  • Be a good example (“Do as I say, not as I do” Does not work)
  • Be a good listener (make sure you understand, don’t be critical, avoid talking over the talker)
  • Provide opportunities for safe discussion (assure a nonjudgemental stance)
  • Plan fun activities
  • Monitor use of electronics and social media respectfully (no snooping or hacking-have open conversations)

Find a way to monitor how you are doing (via report card, therapist, child feedback, ask relatives or friends)